Knitting Hard for Warmth.

Mum (creator of the Zombies, embroidered iPhone case, Advent Calendar, Kindle cover  cross-stitched Sage Francis pieces and penises!) has pulled off yet another knit-tastic piece with her woollen cover for our hot water tank!

Although insulated, our tank doesn’t have an airing or linen cupboard and we’d started to notice that it lost way too many degrees overnight. When your hot water is generated solely through the wood you burnt in the wood burner the night before, and can’t be ’topped up’ with gas, this is a big deal.

There was a huge amount of calculation, mockup-making and working-out of the possible problems and logistics before she could even think about the knitting part. We all had a go at designing it - me, Leigh, Graham, but in the end, she worked it out herself. Just as she used to make my dolls’ clothes, by sitting the doll on her knee and basically starting to knit round her, so the same system was applied to the tank. Knit the top, knit the main hanging parts, then sit by the tank and knit the other bits to fit, starting with a medusa-like network of copper pipes (bit of a theme lately those things!)

Then there were agonies over the colours. Our bathroom is all white with a bit of turquoise on the fireplace. I wanted white, Leigh fancied primary colours; Mum wasn’t sure. Then Leigh hit upon the idea of the colours of electrical cables for the pipes, which are pretty distinctive, with an all-white tank. She started knitting sock-like tubes in an array of stitches for the pipes, offering them up as they were completed, and then The Massive Needles, the like of which we’d never seen before, arrived of the rest of the tank.

Here’s how the finished tank looks complete with surprise residents. And yes - it’s solved the problem of heat loss overnight! It was a mega-effort. Thanks Mum!
(She can’t stop, by the way - she actually can’t. She’s done me a white crocheted bed blanket since…)

HAPPY HALLOWE'EN!

Look what turned up at my door this morning!

These squidgy and horrifying Hallowe'en toys have been knitted by my Mum in secret for me over the last few weeks, since she knew I wasn't having a Hallowe'en party or going anywhere spooky and would be sad about that. She's a secretive minx that one and her needles are never still! THEY'RE AMAZING!

Look at them. Evil personified!

On the left we have The Zombie, still wearing his doctor's coat, and his (conveniently removable) guts hanging out of his belly. He also has a rotting sore for a knee, and a fleshily peeled arm. He's bleeding from the mouth! (Wouldn't you?)

Ugh, look at the visceral misery of it all!

Then there is The Count himself, replete with cape, fangs and bloodshot eye. But that's not all! He has pants! Actually they all have pants.

His mate Skeleton is a grave-robbing git, look at his damning spade. Why he has a pink hat I am not sure, but he needs it because he is only made of bones. Maggots are crawling out of his eye and his teeth and well, those buggers are pearly but sharp. He carries a rope around his neck for Satan knows what...

...and OH NO! WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE? Drac, where are you?!

Too late.

Stitched Up.

My Mum couldn't find a case for her Kindle that she liked, so she cross-stitched her own. It's based on some fairly traditional inspirations - part illuminated manuscripts, part Arabic motifs and part Elizabethan sampler. I'm not sure if that was precisely her aim creatively speaking, but I approve of the resultant look and the goldwork. After all, this type of embroidery should speak to the digital creative in all of us, since it's exactly the same as working with pixels.

Hmmm...wonder what else she could stitch up. She's already done Sage Francis's portrait, the A-Z of the penis and the sampler to end all samplers (reminders below).

The Advent Calendar

My Mum made this advent calendar for me a few years ago, and the moment it came through the door with a ribbon attached to hold it up, all thoughts of a crappy cardboard version disappeared forever.

You've met my Mum before; she cross-stitched the infamous 'Fuck The Past' piece for my 'If A Girl Writes Off The World' exhibition in 2006, together with eight 'skull'n'crossbones' Sage Francis portraits. She contributed two pieces to this year's Secret Members' Show - the cross-stitched penile word search, and the similarly-themed quilt. There is no swearing or genitalia in this piece, though (and I have checked).

I love this because it is so full of life. It bulges and glitters with red, green, cream and gold - which are really the only colours you need for Christmas - and each fabric and motif was hand-selected and turned into pockets or trees accordingly. Inside each of the 24 pockets is a non-dairy dark chocolate shape from our local chocolate makers, D&D, based just down the road. If I want anything chocolate or carob, I can just pop in for a chat and come back armed to the teeth with a bewildering array of goodies. it is custom to offer any guest the day's chocolate, but some of those shapes may actually be pralines - so you'll be very lucky if you actually get one, since I know where they all are, and who says they have to stay in the same pockets till they're eaten?